The Arena

Dusting off his chaps with his crushed cowboy hat, Derek swore under his breath at the feisty horse that had tossed him onto the arena floor.

Then he pretended not to see the rodeo stunt queen that had distracted him.

"How does she get on a horse with jeans so tight?,” he wondered.

"Women and horses," he smiled and muttered.

Scanning the crowd, Derek waved his hat, straightened up tall and walked out of the arena as the crowd cheered. She was gone. Where was the rodeo queen?

As soon as the cowboy hit the dirt, she wheeled around and slipped out of the arena. She had caught his glance and didn't want him to feel embarrassed any more than he likely already was.

Patsy was a buxom beauty who knew boys and men turned their heads and stared, sometimes even drooled, when she walked past, especially when she wore her tight jeans and red cowboy boots.

But, the truth was, Patsy enjoyed spending time with the rodeo clowns. She loved a man in big shoes especially when they were saddle sore. Really, it was the big clown feet that drew the buxom beauty. How do they walk in those things?

Derek was done for the day. A hot shower and a clean shirt may help him score a little better tonight at Ponchera Cerveza.

While he showered, Derek thought of the last time he went to Ponchera Cerveza. Thanks to the tequila shots, the events of that night were piecemeal images - most of them involving Patsy, her red boots and his desire for rodeo clown-sized feet.

"Lime, salt, tequila? Salt, red boots, lime, tequila? Salt, tequila, lime, feet?" he wondered aloud while the hot water in the shower of the five-star hotel where he was spending the night eased the aches resulting from his failed attempt to ride Tornado.

As he relaxed in the shower, Derek’s thoughts turned toward Tornado, a horse that left rodeo cowboys wishing…

While Patsy was polishing her red boots, she was thinking of Jackson. Now, he was a rodeo clown that cleaned up pretty good, thought Patsy. And he could park his clown shoes in my bunk house the day he decides to retire.

Patsy rubbed those boots to a shine as she remembered, Jackson has a whole closet full of clown shoes. True, it's only two pairs of enormous shoes, but they could fill a standard 1930's suburban bungalow closet. Especially in my guest house.

Meanwhile, as Derek relaxed in the shower, his thoughts turned toward Tornado, a horse that left rodeo cowboys wishing they were librarians or ice cream vendors. Tornado was the ultimate "widow-maker" for sure.

Nine out of 10 cowboys vowed to change professions if they ever had to ride that horse again; with the 10th cowboy actually becoming a dentist, which was a great choice for him since all the rodeo cowboys now bring their broken teeth to him.

While Patsy polished her red boots with the sweaty blue bandanna she had swiped from Derek's saddle bag, she thought about Jackson's unusually large clown shoes, crooked teeth and bad breath.

Shuddering at the memory of the time Jackson surprised her with a kiss behind the concession stand at the rodeo grounds, stepping on her toes with his red, purple and yellow shoes, her thoughts turned to halitosis and her upcoming appointment with Bart Stetson, the former cowboy clown now a dentist whose TV ads guaranteed the brightest, whitest dentures in town.

Thoughts of bright, white teeth made her think of the new librarian at the downtown branch. When she checked out the latest erotic western - "Ride 'Em Cowgirl" - Thursday afternoon, she noticed the new guy with pearly-perfect teeth was checking her out.

"I wonder what size shoe he wears," Patsy thought as she polished her red boots to a high sheen.

Meanwhile, in room 2109, Derek decided to get out of the shower. He was getting pruney and the hot water was losing pressure again, yes, even in a five star hotel.

"Think I'll call that rodeo stunt queen and see about a little room service,” he said out loud to no one as he hung up his towel and turned out the light in the Italian marble bathroom.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tornado - the wicked horse that had thrown Derek on his butt - was polishing his horseshoes and whinnying softly.

Poor Tornado had a toothache.

It was a toothache of extreme horsey proportions and he wanted to be rid of it in any way possible, so he kicked up a major fuss and created an awesome din!

Major Dr. Fuss had been a calvary vet for years and followed the rodeo scene every year knowing that he and Dr. Orsum Din would be in great demand in case of any problems with the horses.

Orsum Din was a fourth generation Arabic Horse specialist and was known as a renowned horse whisperer! While Fuss went to work on the aneasthetic, Din whispered in Tornado’s ear: "Tornado, make this next ride Derek’s last ride on the rodeo circuit and I'll replace this rotting horsey tooth with a glittering gold incisor."

Tornado whinnied softly and tossed his head to let Dr. Din know he understood. The horse's plan was to step on Derek's rib cage after the cowboy was down in the dirt.

Tornado returned to his stall and began practicing his cowboy-crushing stomp.
At least Tornado thought he was practicing cowboy-crushing stomps. But Fuss and Din had loaded Tornado up on enough mind- and mouth-numbing medications to choke a, well, horse. To the casual observer, Tornado looked like he was prancing in place. But in Tornado's mind, the horse whisperer’s words kept repeating.

Thanks to the meds, Tornado was feeling no pain and the whispered message echoing in his brain was distorted. "Make this next ride an eclectic circus ride and I'll replace the spotted hosiery worn by Ruth with a glittering gold sun visor."

Fuss and Din were alarmed when Tornado began snoring. The poor over-medicated horse slept until the the next day. Tornado only woke up when he heard the crowd singing the “Star Spangled Banner.”

“Another day, another rodeo,” thought Tornado. “If Derek didn't wear so much aftershave and cologne I wouldn't try so hard to get him off my back.”

Meanwhile, Derek was about to cry because he couldn't find his lucky blue bandanna. He considered it lucky because, well, he was wearing it the first time he "got lucky." That's right, the blue bandanna was around Derek's neck the first time he...

"Oh there it is!" he said with glee. "Right where I left it. In my saddle bag! But hey! What the heck? My lucky blue bandanna smells like, like, is that shoe polish I smell?"

Derek knew there was only one person in this town that used scented shoe polish. It was that special order "new car" scent shoe polish.

Derek was mad now. Enraged! Derek reached for his saddle bag again. Someone had been pawing around in his stuff.

"Hey! What the..." and there it was. Right there in his saddle bag. And now he had touched it. Now, HIS fingerprints were all over the revolver that had been intended for use in a robbery at the bandanna store.

The robbery had been a dismal failure because there happened to be a film crew across the street setting up for the a National Geographic special about snow peas used for fixing nitrogen in the soil and are therefore an excellent early crop in the spring vegetable garden. But I digress. Clearly, someone was setting Derek up to take the fall for a robbery.

Derek knew one person on the rodeo circuit who wanted his reputation as a law-abiding cowboy tarnished. And that was Erek, his evil twin brother! They were identical twins, except for the little twirly mustache Erek had grown to take the pressure off his eyebrows.

See, Erek had anxiety issues and continuously played with his hair, which had now completely fallen out, and had gone to messing with his eyebrows, which were starting to fade, so the mustache was next.

Erek had always been jealous of Derek. Going back to that fateful night when Erek and Derek were at the cathouse and the last hooker left chose Derek because of the blue bandana - and left Erek standing there, alone and feeling foolish in his red bandana.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. In walked Patsy, wearing her tight jeans and red cowboy boots.

"Is that a bandanna in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" she asked Derek as she tripped over her over-sized cowboy boots and fell flat on her face.

Looking at Patsy sprawled on the floor, Derek realized she was nothing more than a rodeo clown in tight jeans. He sneared as he stepped over her to retrieve the revolver covered with his fingerprints from the kitchen counter covered with bandannas of every color imaginable.

To his surprise, Erek was hiding on the other side of the counter where he was writing his farewell letter to his brother Derek.

"I'm so sorry. Brother, I just want to end it all. This has gone on too long. I can't even remember how this sick, sad, melodrama began," Erik's letter started.

Derek leaned closer to his brother and said: "Don't read any more, Erek. I don't know how it got started, either. All I know is this nonsense has to end - soon!"

As Derek and Erek performed the time-honoured man-hug ritual, Patsy finally pulled her buxom self up off the floor and wailed, "NNNNNNNNNnnnoooooooooooooooo!!!!!"
(Patsy took a breath, her bountiful bosom heaving) “ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” She flailed her arms and turned toward Derek and Erek, her blue eyes blazing.

Derek and Erek stared in amazement as Patsy’s flailing broke the clasp on her bra and bandannas sprang free and flew about the room.

Patsy, it turns out, wasn't so buxom after all and Derek's bandanna wasn't the only one she'd swiped from the rodeo circuit cowboys.

Derek and Erek started laughing and pointing at Patsy's chest as they grabbed the bandannas. (The boys later used the bandannas to enhance their denim-clad profiles at the honky tonks they frequented in search of buxom rodeo queens.)

Meanwhile, Tornado - the over-drugged horse with a toothache - dropped dead on the dusty floor of the arena, nearly falling on top of Lerek, Derek and Erek's other brother.

Lerek, the rodeo clown named Most Popular by the rodeo queens, pulled a rainbow-colored bandanna from his enormous clown shoes and waved it to show the crowd he wasn't hurt.

The End! The End! The End!

Authors: Susan Wade, Patsy Bell Hobson, Karen Libby, Melinda Arnold, Phillip Secca, Terry Dubbs, RoseMarie Combrinck Coetzee

From It was a Dark and Stormy Night on Facebook. Join the group and add to the stories!

A Digital Meltdown

I was unpacking from my Springfield, Missouri, USA vacation when I realized my digital camera was missing. That, and the Candy House Gourmet Chocolates were nowhere to be found.

I wondered if I'd left them at the Mansion at Elfindale B&B where I'd spent a wonderful week while savoring Springfield's sites, sights, sounds and scenery, all recorded on my digital camera.

No one ever thinks of Springfield as a Celebrity Spotting location. But now I had the photos to prove people watching in this town is not only an under-appreciated hobby but it was about to become a very lucrative career for me. If and when I found my camera.

I looked through my purse, my luggage, my car. I called the Springfield-Branson National Airport. I also called Fantastic Caverns, North America's only drive-thru cave. I called all of the hot spots that were conveniently located near the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds but no camera was to be found today.

I remembered a strange man that seemed to be following me while I was in the beautiful downtown area. I saw him behind me as I walked passed Trolley's, Nona's, The Coffee Lounge, Maria's, Bruno's, Lohmeyer's Funeral Home...The Discovery Center....Casper's... What did he want from me? My Camera! Why would he want my camera? Who was this mysterious man?

I first noticed the man, who wore a floppy canvas hat pulled down over his eyebrows, when I was having coffee at The Mud House, where I snapped a picture of Brad Pitt, who was visiting his hometown.

When I was strolling along Bob Barker Avenue on the Drury University campus where Bob Barker went to college, I saw the stranger lurking behind a hedge. No sign of Bob Barker, though.

I spotted John Goodman and Kathleen Turner at Missouri State University. They were in Springfield for the summer opening of Tent Theatre at their alma mater.

I kept retracing my steps ... The Landers Theatre, The Gillioz Theatre, Battlefield Mall (Broadway star Kim Crosby was shoe shopping there).

At the Mizumoto Stroll Garden, world-famous travel writer Patricia Bella Hobbblestone and her husband, Jeff, also known as Macaroni Pants were strolling hand in hand. I got a great picture of them kissing passionately on the moon bridge!

Then it came to me. I took a photo of Henry the Hippo at Dickerson Park Zoo, then went to the giraffe feeding deck. After feeding Stretch and the other giraffes, I set my camera bag down to clean the giraffe slobber off my hands.

I don't recall seeing the stranger at the zoo, but the Hobblestones were there.

Patricia Bella introduced herself and asked if she could interview me for a travel feature she was writing about Springfield.

"I like to talk with tourists for my stories," Patricia Bella said.

Macaroni Pants picked up my camera bag and carried it to a picnic table where Patricia Bella and I talked about my visit to Springfield.

I told Patricia that I had been out to the old Young Brothers farm out on Haseltine Road where the infamous Young Brothers Massacre took place in 1932. Six of Springfield's finest were gunned down, and it became a national crisis until the Young Brothers were cornered in Houston, Texas, three days later

And while I was out there, I was taking pictures of Ruell Chappell and Lori Anne Locke while they were singing songs from their album, “Storm's Comin',” telling stories with their songs about the events that took place that fateful day.

Lori told me that if I was interested, I could find the CD/DVD set for only $15 at Barnes & Noble on South Glenstone Avenue in Springfield or online at Ruell Chappell Music. (Whatta shameless plug!)

Patricia Bella asked me about my favorite place to visit in Springfield. I thought about the last time I was in Springfield, when my children were with me.

My daughter tried to open her mouth as wide as the teeth at the Discovery Center. My son caught a foul ball at Hammons Field during a Springfield Cardinals game. After the game, we saw a free concert in Jordan Valley Park.

RATS!! The photos from that trip were on the card in my now-missing camera!

To add to this depressing situation of the missing camera, I was really bummed out about the missing Candy House Gourmet Chocolates. The box was filled with chocolate covered cherries I promised to to pick up for our Annual Hoe Down & Square Dance at the Springfield Ballet.

I was surprised to get a phone call from Springfield-Branson National Airport, which was having a lost luggage clearance sale before the new airport terminal opened in May 2009. They called to tell me they found my digital camera and box of chocolates. It was odd that my camera would be at the Springfield-Branson National Airport because I drove to Springfield.

I didn't even know Springfield had an airport until the New York Times reporter flew into town to write about Springfield-style Cashew Chicken. I could tell that this story was about to have a happy ending when I noticed in my purse a can of shaving creme and a pair of tickets to the Springfield Cardinals home opener baseball game on April 9.

I tossed the shaving cream and called my good friend in Springfield to ask if she wanted to go to the Cardinals game.

Much to my surprise, she said that she couldn't make it because she and her kids were going to visit the Easter Bunny out at the Rutledge-Wilson Farm Community Park April 11. She said it was all the girls could talk about and knew that no matter how nice Kirk's shiny head looked on opening day, nothing would compare to the smiles on those kids' faces after visiting the nearly 208-acre Farm Park. It was just one of the 92 parks that their family had been trying to make it around to in the Springfield-Greene County metro area.

I let her know that while I thought that event would be pretty cool, I still thought she could squeeze in a baseball game. The baseball game, after all, was on April 9 and the Easter Bunny wouldn't be at Rutledge-Wilson Farm Park until April 11.

"Well, duh!" said my friend, Ima Dumast. "I never thought of that. Maybe we could go to the Springfield Art Museum and have cashew chicken at one of those cool restaurants downtown before the game, too. Did you hear about the a story in the New York Times about cashew chicken? I've been craving cashew chicken since I read it."

While my thoughts turned to the mouthwatering idea of cashew chicken, which was invented in Springfield in 1963, I couldn't stop thinking about my missing camera.

I also wondered if the airport personnel had put the camera in the same bag as the chocolates. What if the chocolates melted on the camera? What if the chocolates melted? What if the security personnel ate the chocolates? How would I get my money back to buy more chocolates? All this thinking of chocolates made me crave those chocolate-covered cherries even more than the fact that I missed my camera and I immediately started repacking to drive back to Springfield.

Once I was in Springfield, I stopped by the Convention & Visitors Bureau to check out the latest and greatest the Queen City had to offer. And there, right on the desk was a dark chocolate camera that looked a lot like my camera, only this one had melty fingerprints.

"Welcome to Springfield!" blurted out Suzanna Wadewrite, the the former beauty queen turned Public Relaxations Manager.

It was then that I noticed she had chocolate cherry breath and there was a smear of chocolate on her cheek.

"Hey, Wadewrite," I sneared. "What's up with the chocolate cherry breath and chocolate-covered camera?"

Suzanna's cheeks turned red as she explained that a man with a floppy hat who worked at the airport had brought the camera and chocolates to her.

"I knew they belonged to you but the box was open and I couldn't resist the chocolate-covered cherries," Suzanna sighed. "I wasn't going to eat all of them!"

I accpeted Suzanna's apology. How could anyone resist Candy House chocolates?

I took my camera and the half-eaten box of chocolates and went home, but not before I picked up a free visitors guide and brochures and started planning my next trip to Springfield.

The End

Contributing Authors: Bob Nelson, Lori Anne Locke, Melinda Arnold, Patsy Bell Hobson, Susan Wade, and Terry Dubbs.

From It was a Dark and Stormy Night on Facebook. Join the group and add to the stories!